Always behind

I’ve had 5 nights off in a row, and planned to catch up on all sorts of tasks at home. The garden is a jungle. I’ve still got a bird corpse in the chimney to deal with. I have pictures that need hanging. Training for work that needs doing. Plus all the usual housework- laundry, hoovering, cleaning etc.

How much of this did I get done? Nowhere near all of it. Probably only 10%. And so the unfinished jobs pile up, making my next days off fuller than a bull’s bum and being impossible to complete. And so the pressure I put on myself builds, too. And so I constantly feel like a failure.

When I get an episode like I did a couple of days ago where the anxiety was utterly paralysing and I could physically do no more than sit, staring out of the window, the thoughts of failure are compounded. Why am I wasting time like this? I need to be doing *task*. This isn’t helpful in easing myself out of that state, I know. But logic and reasoning are the tiny muffled voices during those moments.

So for now, I’m giving myself the rest of today off. No need to feel behind today. I shall spend (waste?) a few hours planning my diary for my next few nights off next week and no doubt I won’t complete all those tasks then, either.

5:22am 15th May 2018

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