Do something

For myself, I’m finding snipping the negative thoughts as soon as possible is usually successful in turning them around. If I find myself thinking “I’m useless” and I go do something I am really good at, I feel the achievement and that overrides the negative.

It’s not always possible though. Circumstances or just being too deep in anxiety mean I simply can’t seem to get up and do anything.

Two weeks ago … or was it only last week? I can’t remember. But whenever it was, I was physically unable to get out of this chair and attack the weeds in the garden. This week I’m perfectly able, willing and ready to get out there. I’m just waiting for it to get light now. That’s another issue, I don’t like being in my garden during normal daylight hours. I have some very nasty neighbours who have destroyed my confidence in so many ways and they’re my Achilles heel right now. But that’s a thought for another day. Today I’ll celebrate doing what I can.

4:22 am , 23rd May 2018

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Car accident

About an hour ago I had my first ever bump in the car. I reversed into a council vehicle that was stationary. Some workers parked up trimming the bushes at a nature reserve. The only damage was a cracked rear mudguard on their trailer and a little crack on the back of my car near the wheel and a bit of paint took off. I gave him my details and it’ll go through my insurance.

I have no idea how any of this works, I have nobody to ask and no experience. Do I just wait to see what happens now?

The worst part is in my own mind from this moment on. I already know this will stop me sleeping for days. Endlessly thinking in circles about it. Why did it happen? Why am I so useless and stupid? Why can’t I turn back those few seconds and just not reverse quite so much? Then those thoughts turn to every single incident where I’ve messed up. And soon it becomes clear that I’m an absolute failure at everything.

Which I’m not, but that’s the brain that takes over when a small incident like this triggers it. I’m hoping that this blog will be the outlet. Post those negative thoughts here and now, while it’s still fresh.

I’m useless.  — No I’m not. I’ve been driving for two and a half years now and this is the first incident and it’s so minor it’s laughable.

Why didn’t I reverse more carefully? — I didn’t, but I can learn and practice doing so a bit more. This was my gentle lesson and nobody got injured in the process.

Why did I say to go through my insurance when it’ll cost more to do so?  — This is actually a good way to learn how it works when truthfully it’ll cost very little and I can afford it anyway, I just secured a pay rise.

What about all the other times I’ve messed up in my life? — What about it? Everyone does and these tiny things that bother me when I can’t sleep are mostly meaningless.

It’s ok. I can ignore this situation until the insurance contacts me, right?

Seems my default is extreme insecurity.  Now I feel useless that I’m insecure. So so easy to spiral downwards.

 

I’ve just read something on insecurity here that made me think and stop for a moment.

Can you learn to like yourself even when you are not doing well?

I like this. It makes me feel like mistakes, failures and other messes are acceptable.  That may just take the pressure off myself.

I’ll see how today goes and if I can sleep at all.

11:31 21st May 2018

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