Keep busy

While I’m on my working shift pattern, my schedule is gruelling. 14 hours at work, then commuting, then necessary things like bathing and eating, leave me with a scant 5 hours a day to sleep.  No time for niceties like chatting to friends, browsing the internet, watching tv etc.

I’m fine while I’m in the maelstrom which can last between 4 and 8 days, dashing from work to home to work again. Keeping busy silences my mind. It’s only when that stops and I have a day off that the creeping dread has an opportunity to kick in again.

I know getting too little sleep for so long has a bad effect. I just don’t have a way to rectify this at the moment.

8:15 pm 18th May 2018

DSC_4219

Say Something

Should I write if I don’t know what to say?

I have a lot of thoughts, fragments of things that when combined, make up a full on anxiety attack. My aim is to gently pick at those fragments, write about them here and hopefully disperse them in the process.

But today no particular fragment stands out. Just the general sense of dread and doom when I think of the ball of fragments. Like a curled up armadillo.

Today I feel its best to leave the armadillo alone and ignore it. Ignoring my issues is my absolute favourite thing to do, when my brain lets me.

6:39am 16th May 2018

DSC_4837

Always behind

I’ve had 5 nights off in a row, and planned to catch up on all sorts of tasks at home. The garden is a jungle. I’ve still got a bird corpse in the chimney to deal with. I have pictures that need hanging. Training for work that needs doing. Plus all the usual housework- laundry, hoovering, cleaning etc.

How much of this did I get done? Nowhere near all of it. Probably only 10%. And so the unfinished jobs pile up, making my next days off fuller than a bull’s bum and being impossible to complete. And so the pressure I put on myself builds, too. And so I constantly feel like a failure.

When I get an episode like I did a couple of days ago where the anxiety was utterly paralysing and I could physically do no more than sit, staring out of the window, the thoughts of failure are compounded. Why am I wasting time like this? I need to be doing *task*. This isn’t helpful in easing myself out of that state, I know. But logic and reasoning are the tiny muffled voices during those moments.

So for now, I’m giving myself the rest of today off. No need to feel behind today. I shall spend (waste?) a few hours planning my diary for my next few nights off next week and no doubt I won’t complete all those tasks then, either.

5:22am 15th May 2018

DSC_4814

Sleep

I honestly believe getting enough sleep greatly alleviates my anxiety. However, it’s never as simple as “ok let’s get a solid 8 hour sleep no then I’ll feel fine” because who can actually get 8 hours sleep anyway?

Sleep is one of my life’s issues. I’ve worked overnights for the last 20 years, so already my natural body clock is messed up. I choose to work nights so I don’t mind it so much, the nights off are dark and peaceful, just how I like it. But sleeping in the daytime, 11am to 7pm is my window for sleep, is difficult. It’s hot and noisy. I take sleeping tablets, use earplugs, an eye mask, white noise clock and 2 fans when it gets bad. But the length and quality of sleep doesn’t compare to night time sleeping. Add into this days when my anxiety is through the roof and my brain keeps me awake and it’s easy to spiral downwards pretty quickly.

Recently I’ve been getting between 3 and 5 hours sleep a day for about the last 2-3 weeks.  I suppose it’s no wonder my mental health isn’t doing so good.

5:38am 14th May 2018

DSC_4731

First post

Hello. My name is Mariposa. Well, it’s not, but that’s the name I’ve chosen to use for this blog so that I may remain anonymous and honest.

Like so many others, I suffer with anxiety and have no outlet for it. These last few days have had me paralysed with it, feeling unable to even go outside. I’m hoping that by typing it out here I’ll alleviate those feelings somewhat.

All the pictures on here will have been taken by myself, not necessarily recently but from the last few years. Something nice to look at to go with the relentless misery of my words.

7:08am 13th May 2018

DSC_4760