A very bad episode

I’m currently mired deep in a very bad anxiety/depression episode. I should go to the doctors but it seems like such a herculean effort to even get an appointment that I don’t even pick up the phone. Plus I have zero confidence they’ll help anyway. The last time I went all I got was “oh you’ll be fine in a couple of weeks!” and sent on my way.

It seems that every single time in my life I’ve reached out for help I’ve got zero in return.

Today I broke down in tears in front of my boss shouting “I can’t cope!” and almost vomiting with the amount I’m crying and all I got was “What do you want me to do about this?” Utterly dismissive. I want to quit my job and drop down to a lesser position without all the current stress and nobody will even entertain the idea. I’m too good to lose, apparently. Which ought to be heard as a compliment in my ears but all I see is that they can’t grasp that I’m drowning here. They’re closing their eyes and ears and hoping I’ll shut up and calm down but I’m spiralling badly.

There’s nobody out there that will help me. When people say “Reach out!” it’s bullshit.

 

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